The rational vs. The irrational mind

Okay, some things I have noticed since starting chemo. My rational mind and my irrational mind are at war with each other. This has become increasingly obvious this past week or so. For whatever reason, I was a basketcase this past week after my fifth chemo treatment. I guess it could be time and too much cheerleader type enthusiasim catching up with me.
Let me clarify. From day one (before I got the official, official diagnosis) of finding out about this, I have been scared, but determined. Scared of this horrible thing I have to go through (darn old learning experiences could be a lot easier, if you ask me), but 110% determined to beat the heck out of it. Yes, I had my less than stellar moments (i.e. a lot of crying, especially over the surgery thing (never watch Awake with Hayden Christensen if you want to not think of the worst that could happen during a surgery, you have been warned), a lot of tears over the whole staging), but for the most part, I spent the vast majority of my time trying to retain my sense of humor (I've told enough lame lump on a log jokes for the rest of my life at this point.) and be upbeat. Not just for me, but I knew that if I feel apart and let this get to me, too much, that it would get to my mom and my brother, and they just don't need that. So, I stay upbeat, try not to let things get to me, and laugh a lot (which I, now, realize I did not do enough of before this happened to me.).
However, this past boffo round of chemo, I think something in my head triggered (and I think it had to do with that stupid decadron reaction.) and just set me off, emotionally. Realistically, I should have expected it to happen, I guess. For example, yesterday was basketcase day. I spent a lot of time crying, feeling like things were out to get me, that sort of thing. Today, I wake up, and my rational mind had kicked back into gear. No tears, no feeling like things were out to get me, aside from checking my pulse a few times, I was okay. Ate a ton (for the record, Papa John's Tuscan Six Cheese pizza and BBQ chicken wings are to die for) and just was generally in good spirits. Given everything that is being pumped into my body, of course my emotional range is going to be slightly off kilter. Add to that that I have no car and no way of getting anywhere, I am stuck by myself all day (while that is a great thing for the poor immune system that is damaged, not the greatest on the keep yourself from going crazy level because you are alone all day.). It sucks that my friends all work and can't see me as often as we'd all like because I really could use their goofy natures around me just a bit more.
So, rational minded me wakes up today, talks to my mother, and we decide that maybe it would be a good idea to see if we can get a chest x-ray (had one last month to see where we stood on node downsizing) and just put my mind at ease, or help to, anyway. I have been having a little bit of right sided chest pain (kind of a dull ache when I take too deep of a breath, nothing like before) and a little bit of throat clearing I wasn't having before. So, it's just to be on the safe side. I know everyone has different reactions to these drugs, but after reading a bit more on some forums a little bit of chest pain seems to coincide with one of the drugs I've been given (Bleo, which can cause some Pulmonary problems, though usually not until later in life, but it's not unheard of to have it cause issues similar to those I am having. And to be fair, it's not with every breath that my right side of my chest hurts. So, we'll see.) I guess I get a bit paranoid (who wouldn't under these circumstances?) but I do have to start being more proactive about my health and relating everything to the doc during all of this, and since this drug can cause lung function issues I should definitely mention it. So, we'll see what's what on Tuesday (when I will be biting my nails and being anxious (gotta love chemo and blood test days, they turn me into nervous wreck girl until I'm done.). And I also have to let myself be aware that it is perfectly all right to cry and be down in the dumps at points. It just means I'm human, after all.